I Need Help

I remember uttering those three words out loud and feeling the weight of the truth they carried. I felt much like the woman in the photo - looking out of a window at the world that I couldn't connect with. I could see others but they couldn't see me. As if I was interacting with people through a thick pane of glass between us. I wanted to shout, reach out, bang on the glass, send out a flare or smoke signal - anything to let someone know I was there and all was not well. But I couldn't. I was paralyzed, imprisoned in my own mind. I started to feel the walls closing in. The glass got thicker, more opaque. The realization hit me - I might live the rest of my life like this, with no one ever knowing the depth of my struggles.

My own voice felt smaller, weaker. Who would hear me? Who would care? The voice of depression got louder. It would say defeating and despairing things that I believed about myself. Anxiety's voice was harsh and critical, condemning and constantly blaming me. Back and forth they went, like poison, they dripped fear and failure into every part of me until I couldn't move, couldn't breathe.

Then I said it, "I need help". To admit that audibly was completely necessary, yet completely terrifying. It meant that I didn't have the answers. I didn't have the strength or ability to pretend anymore. I was out of ideas, out of any resource I could draw from. My health was failing, I wasn't eating or sleeping well, and I couldn't stop the voices. My life was beginning to unravel. I was a mess and had no ability to fix it. I had reached the end of myself. At least, the end of myself as I knew it.

The end of myself ended up being the beginning of something wonderful and new. I reached out for help and started my own therapy, something I had denied needing for years. And it changed my life. I felt the glass start to crack, to break, and fall to pieces. I felt the fresh air flow in and started to breathe again, started to believe in myself again. I began to see my whole life come into a clearer picture with all the hurt, pain, struggles, trauma, and mistakes. But I also began to see a beautiful canvas of love, grace, redemption, forgiveness. And I realized that all of it, even the hardest parts, had purpose. All of it can be used for good!

If you've thought about therapy and haven't pulled the trigger, I want to encourage you to reach out and get help. It may seem impossible now, but a healthier version of yourself is possible. It starts by saying those three words that are sometimes really hard to say. But, some of the hardest words to say can be the beginning of great healing.